Primal Urge
by Smackalicious
Summary: Something is different about Ziva, something . . . feral. And slightly annoying. Crack!fic. Oneshot. Slight pairing suggested, but it's very minor.


**Title: Primal Urge**  
**Pairing: Surprise! It's a het pairing. And not much of one, but it's there.**  
**Rating: K+**  
**Genre: Crack!fic**  
**Cat: Het/Gen**  
**Spoilers: None.**  
**Warnings: None.**  
**Summary: Something is different about Ziva, something . . . feral. And slightly annoying.**

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A deep growl sounded from Ziva's stomach, and she slapped a hand over her abdomen, silencing the noise. She shifted her gaze from side to side, checking that Tony and McGee hadn't heard the sound and, finding them preoccupied with their work, looked down and whispered, "Shh," before pulling a pocket mirror out of a desk drawer and pretending to check her make-up. After another surreptitious glance that she wasn't being watched, she hitched her upper lip in a very weak Elvis impression, with the intention of . . .

"Eek!" she exclaimed, then quickly closed her mouth, her eyes wide as she met McGee's questioning look.

"You okay, Ziva?" he asked, not really sure if he wanted to know the answer or not. She nodded, keeping her mouth shut as she gave him a tight-lipped smile in return. "Okay . . ." he said, slowly returning to his work, but keeping an ear open for any other . . . unusual exclamations from Ziva's direction.

Ziva let out a breath of relief, steadying herself against her desk, then pushed herself to her feet, announcing, "I need to use the ladies' room," before speed walking toward the restrooms. Once inside, she locked the door behind her and ran to the mirror, pushing her upper lip up with her fingers. "Not again," she moaned, staring at the gleaming fangs that shone before her.

Yes, that growl from earlier was a literal growl, as her inner vampire had chosen this time to make an appearance, and her fangs had grown in again. The only way to make them retreat - like scared little bunny rabbits hopping away from a big, bad wolf - was to satisfy the craving, to give in and allow her feral side to take over.

She sighed and stepped back from the sinks, just as another growl sounded from her stomach, this one sounding vaguely like a demon saying, "Hunnnnnnnngryyyyyyy." Ziva narrowed her eyes and frowned, admonishing the voice by shaking a finger at it. But she couldn't really blame it. It had been quite some time since she had given into her vampire, and she supposed she may as well suck it up and get it over with - so to speak.

Her mind made up, Ziva held her head high and marched to the door, unlocking it (and letting in a flock of female NCIS agents, who made a beeline for the toilets, as Ziva's examination of herself - and her vampire - had lasted no shorter than 30 minutes and that's a long time to wait to use the restroom) and heading straight for the elevator, bypassing the bullpen entirely. Gibbs and Tony and McGee didn't have what she was looking for, but she knew just where to find it.

The elevator opened on the basement level, and as Ziva stepped off the elevator, her vampire growled again, this time saying, "Hurrrrrrry uppppppppp."

"I'll make you hurry up," Ziva hissed back at it, frowning as she realized that made little to no sense, but shaking it off. She had no time to contemplate idiotic comebacks. If she didn't do something about her vampire's craving soon, it would _really _start whining or, even worse, crying. A pronounced shudder coursed through her body as she remembered a previous situation with her vampire, where it had thrown a veritable temper tantrum, nearly ripping a hole in her stomach lining and causing some serious digestive problems for the next couple of weeks.

But all thoughts of her spoiled brat vampire disappeared when she smelled it. Her feast. Her ears perked up, just like a cute little Mossad-trained dog, and she pressed her back against the wall of the hallway, needing to be able to sneak up on her prey without it knowing she was there.

She slid along the wall, the smell of the prey lingering in the air, sweet and heavy. She felt her mouth begin to water and forced herself to swallow, and when her vampire began growling louder, growled back at it. This was no time for noise! It should have known better.

The smell grew almost overwhelming as she reached her target destination and the automatic doors slid open. But rather than attack her prey as she wished to do, she knew she had to lure it into a false sense of security, like Gibbs' mustache. She stepped over the threshold and cleared her throat.

"Oh, hey, Ziva," her prey said, and Ziva forced herself to stay calm and act nonchalant. "Are you looking for Doctor Mallard? Because he's off to lunch . . ."

"Ah, no, Jimmy," Ziva interrupted him, putting on a charming look - which was slightly difficult to do while trying to hide pointy fangs. "I was actually looking for you." _This is it, _she thought to herself, and sidled up to him, wrapping a hand around one of his biceps and pretending to look shocked. "Oh, my, have you been working out?"

Even as she said the words, she mentally kicked herself - or her vampire, whichever one of them was responsible for that incredibly ditzy and out of character act of flirtation. Because if there was one thing Ziva was not, it was a Barbie doll.

"Uh, no, not really," Jimmy responded, even more nervous than usual. "I guess I maybe, um, worked up some muscles from lifting all those body bags?" He laughed, then his face fell. "Sorry. I'm so sorry. What did you, er, why are you -"

"Let us cut the craps, shall we?" Ziva said, giving him an intense stare.

"Uh, sure," Jimmy agreed, panic written all over his face.

Without warning, Ziva pressed her lips to Jimmy's, just as the autopsy doors opened again and Tony and McGee rushed in.

"Whoa," McGee breathed, as Ziva backed off Jimmy, making hacking noises.

"Oh, you taste horrible," she said.

"Excuse me?" Jimmy squeaked, and Tony snickered to himself in the background. Ziva shot a glare at him and he quieted, and McGee cleared his throat, shrinking back a little when Ziva turned her glare on him, but not backing down as he pulled something from his sports coat pocket.

"Here, girl," he said softly, as Ziva's eyes lit up and she found herself floating toward him, eyes on the prize in his hands. Just as she was about to reach him and ravage him to retrieve what her vampire so dearly wanted, he threw it across the room, causing Ziva to skitter after it.

The three men watched as the hunger took over Ziva's body and she devoured her prey, tearing it apart and feasting without abandon. Tony and Jimmy then looked to McGee, as Tony asked the question they were both thinking.

"How did you know?"

He shrugged and began explaining, his eyes on Ziva. "From the way she was acting earlier, I knew something hinky was going on, and I remembered what happened the last time she acted like this. I just followed my gut."

Tony and Jimmy both nodded and watched as Ziva finished and sat back, a content smile on her face.

"Yep," Jimmy said, "you just don't want to get between a woman and her chocolate."

**THE END!**


End file.
